i had my last training shift today at ella's...my first paid day of tending is tomorrow and i'm excited! but it's a long day, so i am warning everone i know that i'll probably be bitchy when i come home. so stay back beyotches.

the other night when i was training this dude asked the bartender bill for a to go cup. ???
is he a retard? the dude wasn't even a friend of the bartender...if he new bill, maybe then he may give him one, which is totally illegal, but, that takes balls AND stupidity to ask that question, and it inspired this blog

Taboo bar practices:
1) Flirt with the bartender unless you are hot (why do old men and nasty/greasy guys think they can get away with it?)
2) Stalk bartenders (it's just not cool to bump into the same creepy person that is always just a little too interested)
3) Ask for to go containers (for anything, especially booze, we are not a quikee booze mart, suck it down buddy!!!)
4) Ash all over the place (use a fucking ashtray or don't smoke at all)
5) Tip in change (unless it's in addition to a bill of some denomination)
6) Ask for change to the penny (bartenders are too busy to give back 87 cents back in change...if they are cool, they will give you back a dollar, and then you leave it as a tip, cause they gave you extra money...if it's 12 cents change back...it's lost money, don't expect it)
7) harrassing customers (it's annoying and if you scare the girls, etc. they leave and then we have to deal with the creepy customers)
8) mooching bitches (think they can use their ts and as to get drinks, and make their way around the bar drinking for free)
9) calling bartenders "barkeep" or ceaselessly call out bartenders' actual names (i only like hearing my name in bed, beyotch)
10) hanging around until we kick you out after last call (if you aren't sleeping with the bartender, leave)
11) saying you'll leave a big tip...(usually impies you won't)
12) implying the drink is weak, or expecting a double for free (won't work unless i know you...otherwise i'll give you "the look" and tell you to buy a double)
13) being pretentious - "no, no, no! a martini comes with vodka, a twist of lemon, AND an olive, on the rocks, with no vermouth" (WTF??? Sure buddy)
14) asking for condiments one at a time (i just ran my ass away from the bar and got the damn hamburger...NOW you want mayo??? ok here's the mayo. NOW you want another pickle???)
15) sitting at the bar for HOURS and ordering a soda...start paying rent

i think that's it.
i liked the guy replies for the last one, i want to hear taboos on your end from the customer's perspective. what do WE do that piss you off?
i want to know so i can keep it up =)

why is it that it's possible to have a runny nose and a stuffed nose at the same time? i have major drippage and i go to blow it and i am fucking stuffed and end up blowing out my ears and now i can't hear anything and feel like i'm stuck in a tunnel.

i took too much cold medicine/headache stuff today and my head never got better, but i got the groggy effects of too much medicine and had cotton mouth really bad the 2nd day on the bar job. that's really great...me coming up to customers asking if they are ok, while being all chalky. i was forcing back images of "me, myself and irene" when jim carrey was at the cop shop all cottony.

i got hit on by a big black metro man today. i thought it'd be safe to talk to the metro guy and he ended up asking me where i was from, what my name was, etc. and gave me two passes to a night club in dc. apparently he moonlights as a bouncer. i hope this isn't the mystery man that i predicted i'd meet this week. if so i am so screwed...and not in a good way.

when i was all wasted with heine ho during the st. pats shamrock fest i came up with a list of questions i wanted to ask the boys that i never got around to, cause i have ADD and was wasted at the time....so i am going to post them on the blog and when the boys read them *if they spend more than 2 seconds on the site, that is* they should use the nifty comment button and answer...

1) As a guy, when you are in a porta potty, do you pee in the plastic urinal sticking out of the wall, or do you go in the toilet?

2) Are their really newspapers on the wall in the bathrooms above the urinals in most guy's bathrooms? Do you actually read the newspapers that are posted in the bathrooms?

there's probably more to come, but i just blew my nose and developed the annoying tunnel feeling and am giving up the blog. The ADD has taken over.

i survived the first day on the job.
and found out that the average stay on my blog is 2 seconds.
thanks, guys!!! =)

even though i am sick and dead tired this week is looking up!
sun: i got drunk with the fastest bartenders in dc and interviewed them for the magazine...they were fun guys and bought me drinks! sweeeeet.
mon: i quit the hell hole that i wanted to burn down
tues: i landed a job bartending in dc...
wed: i kick ass at the brand new job
thurs: i meet a hot guy that loves me and buys me things
fri: he keeps buying me things
sat: more new stuff, where does it end???
sun: who needs to work?

i had an enlightening experience today...i realized that i am much better off watching jeapordy alone...b/c even though you get all excited when you get the right answer before the contestents, you don't want to be a dumbass in front of other people. i thought i was brilliant, and having a damn good time showing it, when my roommate showed me up!!! =) that's ok. i'll survive. i still have better sound effects.

summers is still afloat. but not for long.

i had a ton of weird psycho dreams last night/this morning...so many that i shut my alarm off twice and overslept. in one of them i had a kid with my freaky ex and the kid was asian...and she was the girl in the ADD PSA on television that says you need to be a healthy mom to have a healthy child...in the commercial the kid can't sing the itsy bitsy spider song because she is retarded (just stupid, but she looks retarded). the commercial implies that she is dumb because her mom didn't take care of herself during the pregnancy. hmm...and if this is foreshadowing, i'm going to have some retard children. after that enlightenment the dream continued that my ex and i were fighting to get custody of the kid. his current girlfriend was there and they wanted to take her from me. i left her in the car while fighting with them and we were fighting in my grandmother's house in wisconsin, which was weird. when i went outside to get the kid, she was gone. so not only is my kid retarded, but i lost her.

then i was on this trip with people i know in real life (from my past) but i couldn't place them. we were walking all over campus and it was a setting that has been repeated in past dreams, which was weird. we were sort of on a relay and i was so close to getting to the "winning" position, but i have a weird feeling i didn't make it.

and then i had one of the sooooo horrible dreams that i was bartending and couldn't make the drinks fast enough. ones where i wake up in a sweat thinking, "did i give that guy silverware??? shit, i forgot to give him mustard....does she need another Miller Lite???" I HATE MY JOB.

i honestly think i am going to quit tomorrow, which is horrible considering i've only worked there about 3 weeks. i don't ever want to be in that place again. i spit on you, summers!!!

i'd write more about my dreams, but i can't remember them. i had a bunch, but they were lost in today's episodes of excitement and i'm frankly surprised that i remember as much as i did, and with that i am going to bed in hopes that i have sweet dreams of torching the hell hole i call summers.

i want to burn down summers with all of its cheap squatting "guests" inside of it tomorrow. i'd seriously consider taking up smoking if it would mean i could ignite the place by dropping a match i just used to light my camel...or i'd become a camp counselor if i could roast a marshmellow over its burning massive waste of space.

ahh there were a bunch of them again last night...but i don't have much time this morning, so i am going to be speedy. i dreamed that i was living in a beach house. at one point my old roommate was there and she just broke up with her boyfriend in real life, who was also in the dream. they broke up in the dream as well, but were going out to dinner in the dream, i remember running up to the house to get something and seeing the guy in the kitchen and i was freaking out about whether they were together or not (in my head, not showing it)

moving on, it was a really cool beach house with lots of cool stuff in it. i remember lighting candles and stuff to make dinner. i lived alone, etc. it was neat. then my mom, brother, and sister were in the dream. my sister and i were trying to tan on the water. she couldn't get tan no matter what she did, although she was super tan in the dream. i, on the other hand, was all pasty and tan lined like i am in real life, but i was trying as well. and all of a sudden i was swimming in the dream. and then i was at my father's house, but the back yard was all water (as big as an ocean) and a friend of mine was in the dream and we were swimming away from some big, menacing men.

and then i was in an auditorium of some sort and it was like a lecture hall. there was a class going on, but they were giving out free stuff and the audience was going crazy. and my phone was ringing, but i couldn't find it and the ring was weird, so i didn't recognize it.

and then i was at a mall...i was on a break from work and went to get lunch...it was much cooler than the mall i am in now, and i remember i was talking to these little kids (middle school age)...i asked them how old i looked to them and they said i looked like i was in 12th grade. i was thinking, "bitch, i'm so old! i work here! i can drink, you can't...etc." but i don't think i said anything.

there were a lot more, cause i kept waking up in the middle of the night, but most of them had my family in them and occured on the water by my awesome beach house...but i have to get ready for both jobs that i have today, fuckina...

so i am officially updated beyotches. happy now?

so it's been awhile since i have posted...i have dreams still, by the way...i just have been forgetting them since it's either been hard for me to fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake up; :) i have lost my touch. or i wake up and don't post right away and am screwed as i forget my dreams super fast...
last night i had a bunch of dreams and slept really well, despite the fact that i kept resetting my alarm since i could go into work at 12:30, which was so awesome. the dreams i remember had my family in them. in a bunch of them, one of my cousins was hanging around my family and it was a weird situation because in real life she has turned into a real loser... but in the dream she was cool like she used to be...strange, but probably makes no sense to anyone outside of the family.
moving on...i am still working at the dive bar...it still sucks.
fun stuff that happened to me recently:
*i met a convict in a bar after working last night (he just got out of prison)
*he butted into my conversation in the same bar tonight, but i don't think he remembered me
*my new guilty pleasure is tivoing my soap opera from the 5th grade....
*marlena keeps killing off characters that have been on or years!!!
*my best friend has aweful taste in music :) unless you are wasted and deaf
*ugly hick lesbians like Irish music

i think i am done with this post, i need to grab some sleep (hopefully) as i have 2 jobs tomorrow. here's a weird, yet worthwile link to check out...
hope this blog was worth the wait to anyone foolish enough to keep reading : )

ok...so i have a lot to make up so i'll try to make it worthwhile...here's what i accomplished today:
i got a bloody knee...
i confirmed my brother is not gay...
i got a new job...at an official dive bar...

before all that happened i had some whacked dreams...i haven't been able to sleep very well lately and wake up a bunch of times for the 3 hours before my alarm goes off...i finally fall asleep about a half hour before my alarm goes off...and end up "snoozing" and make it to work in time, but alas, don't blog the dreams before i forget them.

whacked dream: i was at church again...it was the psycho born again christian church i went to when growing up. i was running into the church from the parking lot and couldn't figure out what sandals to wear. they were really cute, and i had to choose between strappy red and strappy black sandals, but i didn't want to call attention to my toes, because the nails weren't painted...hmm...and i saw my mom, and some other family members that i know...and can't remember...
i remember waking up a bunch and getting all pissed off, i was so fucking hot! and threw off the covers to wake up 20 minutes later all pissed off cause i couldn't find my blankets and i was cold...etc...etc and then my alarm went off.
nice.