stories!

Omar's friend, Mike, is a liar and a shady individual that likes to IM me random stories. He thinks he is funny and likes to slander my good and gracious image.
I am filling all of you in on what REALLY happened.
So, I fly into New Orleans last weekend after my 2 double shifts at Ella's and before my 5 day work week at the magazine and I am fucking LOADED. Through my drunk haze I see Mike, chilling in the airport with two bottles of beer! Sweet. He is standing there jabbering about some jibber-jabber. I wasn't listening as I was concentrating on keeping my "Free wine as long as you fly with us" buzz going and all I could look at were the two bottles. Mike said some crap about how I was going to get laid, and I was all, "OK. Just hand over the booze pal." And he was all, "OK. Drink up, cause I told all my friends you'd be, oh I mean, WE'D be at the corner of 7th and H St every hour from 8-4, so hurry up.
And I was all, "Can I have a beer now, please?" He kept talking and talking and I tried my best to ignore him, but it was damn hard with all the other weird people hanging out it sketchville. We finally made it past all the weird airport freaks, including the Bible thumpers, security guards, and the Hare Krishnas that wouldn't take a slug of beer instead of money (the bastards!). We got into his lump of a car and man was it hot. It was so fricken hot, we could have been riding along in hell with the devil. Luckily the beer helped a little. And man was I thirsty, Mike stole my beer in the airport, what a tease! Luckily he had a packed cooler full of the stuff. He had so many stuffed animals in his car I thought for sure he was either a girl or a fag, we finally made it to the corner. I was up $1000 after the trip and don't remember much else...musta had fun.

Out of Control

This whole night has been out of control.
Bandit peed right in front of me and I caught her in the act! I got pissed (hah) at her and yelled at her, etc. She ended up with pee on her so I had to give her a bath. She was NOT happy about the bath, but I didn't want piss all over the house...After I finished washing her, not even 2 minutes after, she SHITS right in front of Jason and me. WTF. What do I do in that situation? Dogs don't understand if you put them in the corner. I put her in the downstairs bath room. What a whore dog! And this is in the middle of the "what's going on in our house?" moment when we were trying to figure out why our ceiling is leaking. Oh boy, Oh boy. Peake is coming to fix the mess in the morning. We'll see if they come before 10...So, in the end we took Bandit home to the Heine Ho and the car royaly smelled like shit. I thought she did it again, ony this time in MY car...but if she shat, she hid it somewhere.


This goes out to Rich:
So one day there was this persnickety, discombobulated, flibbertigibbit with a callipygian driving down the street causing a kerfuffle with a plethora of juxtaposed assholes in her beautiful Explorer (when all she wanted was pho)and then she she got fed up and defenestrated them.

Translation: This fussy bitch with a nice ass got pissed off cause she was stuck in a car with two loudmouths and the pho place was closed, so she threw them out the window of her toad-mobile.


I'm dead tired...going to bed now....to the smell of the 3 am broccoli that Jason just made...It's whafting up to my room! Ahhhh :(

Iced Hills and Ghetto apartments

I woke up vaguely remembering my dreams, but here goes. I was hanging out with my brother and sister and it was Christmas or something like that and we were waiting for our mom and dad to come home from some trip. I was sitting in the living room of this weird ass apartment (it was small and modern and really futuristic) and were watching a really gay movie. It was the cheap kind that isn't even a B quality that you can probably buy for like 6 bucks....It was cheap. I kept making fun of him about his shitty taste in EVERYTHING. He was wrapping presents and the movie we were watching was one of the gifts. I was wearing a really ugly sweater, which was also one of the gifts. I opened up one present that said it was for all of us and we heard a car in the driveway, we looked outside the little futuristic window and saw a huge monster truck thingie pull up. It was Mom and Dad...weird. So we panic cause I am wearing the sweater, we are watching the movie, the other gifts are hanging out unwrapped, and I just tried to open one for the whole family. We scramble to get everything straightened out and I don't know if we made it or not, I just remember my Mom being pissed off cause someone was in our driveway outside.

Then I was driving around a weird ass city with my sister, Jenna. It was a weird city, like out of the last couple shitty Batman movies. The city was huge, but small at the same time since the streets were all narrow and the buildings loomed over us. There was NO parking anywhere, which really sucked. I eventually started driving cars inside buildings and we got an awesome spot in a building that housed casinos and 5 ritzy hotels and we could see Ella's out the window...=( I can't escape my shitty jobs.

And then I was on a college campus, all the students were running around in a frenzy. I ran down one of our hills and it was a giant cake. It had huge piles of white frosting with sprinkles and people were eating chunks out of the hill and stuff. And they didn't find the cake until I started running down it. I was a cake-eating-hill trend setter. My buddy Jimmy was there and he was all excited about the cake. I was too, but it was old, man. I remember the cake being there LAST year. Doesn't that shit go bad? So I tried to just eat the frosting. And then we got up and kept running around like idiots.

The end. I have to get ready for the wonderful world of On Tap.

bloody knees

So many dreams, so little time.
I dreamed that I was bartending outdoors. There were two outdoor bars right next to each other and I was at one of them, which was much like the evil bar I used to work at...which will remain nameless, because if I named it, I would in a sense, be promoting it.
So, I worked there, but was called to perform at the outdoor amphitheater, which was right next to the bar. I had to sit in seat and bleed. I was one of three people that did. I don't remember any cuts, but the blood came from our knees and we sang at the same time. And in front of us was this huge waterfall. No one could see us singing. It was obviously very strange. When it was over I was trying to find my friends and stuff to hang out. Everyone was very impressed I was part of the entertainment. V was there and Blaine. V had to go early, she left her stuff in the seat she was sitting in. Blaine was in a hot tub with a lot of ladies...heh.
Then I dreamed that I was in a culdesac with my father and brothers. We were riding bikes and giving car washes. I was fixing the neighbors' bikes, which were all messed up and this one guy ordered a pizza from us and paid in singles and change cause he said he was jobless and it's all he had. I was fixing bikes at the time. My brother and Father were playing basketball at the time and wanted me to do something I said no to, cause I was busy with the bikes and car wash, etc.
Then I dreamed that my bike was getting fixed. I walked into a bikeshop and was talking to people there and cleaning up the store even though I didn't work there and was watching this guy ride my bike down the street, fixing it and riding on cars with it, etc.
And at one point I was on the bike, riding around a huge parking lot that was full of asshole people that were in my way. I remember driving and yelling at this guy who had his kid with him, to walk on the fucking crosswalk. He yelled back that he was, and I realized I was driving on the crosswalk. Heh...
And then I was on the road on a really weird trip/race and it involved 2 semi trucks and a shitload of cars...but I don't remember much else about it. And then I was interviewing (damn...I didn't write the interview story about the bartenders...and it's due today.) a bunch of different people that were supposedly artists. I got confused because I had a list of people that all looked alike with weird names. I got confused on one interview and called one huge black guy by the wrong name. He corrected me and when I said my name he was like, "I don't want to know your name!!!" So I said, "oh...I mean, my name is Julie" or something like that. He said being in the industry was confusing and he didn't know what to do about his hair. Should he grow a goatee/beard/or what? And what about his man boobs? And he jiggled them. And he had a gay lisp. And he was supposedly a rapper.
And I dreamed I was at my grandfather's house (he has alzeimers pretty bad right now in real life) and my grandma was there too (but they divorced a while ago in real life). And my mom and dad were there. Well my mom gave me the phone and said my grandpa's girlfriend wanted to talk to me. Why? She has been calling and yelling at everyone apparently for being at his house. She yelled at me and asked me why I was there. I totally kicked her ass on the phone and yelled right back. It was awesome. And my grandma was all of a sudden my father's mom (a different lady) and she was sweeping the kitchen. I tried to help, but accidently bumped into her and she got all hurt and told me to find a liquid bandaid, when there was nothing wrong with her. The cupboard on the bottom level was all full of bandaids, but none liquid. I felt soooo bad.
And in one I was back at home and my dad and mom were there and I was in the driveway and my sister just left somewhere in her car...And I was watching after her and my cousin (who is my age, and got pregnant early and has a 6 or 7 year old kid now and is having another one this June in real life) was in the driveway with me, but I didn't know what to say to her.
And that's all I can remember, but there were more, if you can believe it.
I have to go shower and get ready to sell a Coffee man into our patio guide...hopefuly he'll bite.

stop the madness

I am sick of working. I am not built for it. I need to find a rich, HOT, man to take care of me. Speaking of hot, there were a surprising number of cute men at cap city tonight. They were probably all gay, with my luck, but I was surprised at the turn out. This rant isn't going anywhere, by the way, I am still as single as I was when I left the house.
I am sick of the banner profiling via Blogger. I love Blogger...but, c'mon! At the top of my blog, it advertises for heart burn and flatulence deodorizer. Just because I talked on two posts about me ralphing all over the place and having a stomach ache doesn't mean that I qualify for gas-prone banners.
But it secretly makes me want to post about herpes and disabilities and alcoholism and gambling and random shit just to see what the banners will turn out to be. So don't be surprised if I am telling a story and all of a sudden "POPCORN" sits in the middle of a perfectly normal sentence. Or when talking about my lovely day I blurt out like terrets (which I know is spelled wrong...) "BICYCLES" or "VIAGRA" to see if the banner changes appropriately.
I had a lot to post originally...but I am in bed and friggen tired. I could be sleeping and could talk to myself without typing. I think I'll give that a shot for awhile, if it doesn't work so well, I'll come back and talk to mysef with a keyboard as the middleman.

puking updates

So much has happened since I ralphed all day on Saturday...A little update on the puking thing. I threw up all day on Saturday and came to the realization that while I had more than 4 beers...I probably had a good case of food poisoning from my ghetto mall food court. No matter how happy I want to make the Bourbon Chicken ladies by giving them a paying customer, I will NOT eat the damn bourbon chicken ever, ever again. It is evil stuff.
So, Saturday night I did jack shit. Sunday I got lots of stuff done! The worst part of the day was Walmart...but we got a grill out of the experience.
David Bowie kicked ass. I was unbelievably happy to see him live; I never thought I'd actually get to say that I saw him in concert. It was pretty amazing, although his newer stuff kinda put a lull in the energy. It was all good, but man does Fairfax bring out an ecclectic crowd. There were a shitload of honkies that came out of the woodwork for the show. For a little while I thought I was at a Jimmy Buffet show, with the getup.
I finally returned the big ass patio chairs that were taking up space in our LIVING room, as opposed to the deck. It took a lot outta me, "un-building" the only chair that actually fit together and loading my car with the mess. I got all these pathetic looks from shoppers as I took trip after trip of the pieces to the return desk (the box was demolished so I broke it down and brought the set in 2 pieces at a time...=)
Don't EVER buy patio furniture at Target! I am thinking about adding them to my "hate list." Not the store itself (that would be Walmart), but the patio furniture could be added.

We cleaned the stye tonight too. Our veggies...at least I think that's whay they were...turned into liquid in the fridge. There was bandit hair everywhere. Something in the house (besides the garage) smelled and we had no clue what. I predict that the clean place will last about 2 days. Excluding the kitchen, which will go down hill as soon as the wheat meat comes out of its container.
Maybe just like the talking and dancing poo in South Park comes to life and causes a ruckus, Jason's wheat meat comes to life in the kitchen. It's dancing all over the counter and in the sink, and in the toaster oven. "Ha Ha! Clean me up bitch!"
The new addition to the Jason diet is Naked Meat. I don't know what it's made of but it apparently tastes like turkey.
mmmmmmmmm

i spend all day on my knees

How is it possible to feel hungry and have your stomach growl constantly and then all of a sudden upchuck the 4 beers you had the night before? I don't get it. AND I've been up randomly for like 3 hours. I showered...called in after and told Ella's I had food poisoning...and got out of the shift. Went back to bed and got 2 phone calls from people that actually called to talk to me. Damnit. So after geting off the phone with my Mom I had the incredible urge to ralph. But I'm not a puker by nature, and found it weird since my stomach was growling at the same time. But the smart girl I am, I got up and went to the bathroom and exploded my Coronas into the flusher. EEEEEWWWWWW. I don't want to drink Corona ANYTIME soon. I guess I learned my lesson on that one.
And my stomach is still growling. What gives?

calm before the puking storm

So....I think I just quit Ella's...I woke up late (after turning off my alarm twice) and freaked out and jumped in the shower anyway cause I hate going through the whole day all smelly and gross. I jumped out of the shower and had ten minutes to get my shit together and haul ass to the metro and realized it just wasn't worth it. I am killing myself for 20-30 bucks. So I grabbed the phone and called work all ready to leave a sniveling "I'm sick!!!" message since it's so fucking early. No dice. The owner picks up the phone and I make up something about picking up food poisoning late last night and went to the hospital (!) and they couldn't do anything about it and that I was going to have to stay home today. His response you ask?

"OKIE DOKIE"

Um. Okay. So I am back in bed, smelling good and ready for some more zzzzzz's. But now that I took the effort to post my good fortune, I'll probably not be able to sleep.
This is an entirely fitting situation to be in as I dreamed that I quit as I was turning off my stupid alarm twice this morning.
I told this girl I work with that I was quitting. She was all concerned and started freaking out about how it would suck if I quit. We were hanging out in a high school, by the way. I told her I wasn't making any money and it was a waste of my time and she said that it's a shame cause she liked me and could see me as a manager there. I was like, "DAMN straight. I kick ass. I could be a manager" But no thanks. And this other girl I work with was in the high school with me too. I was driving a sedan in the hallways. I don't remember the rest, but it is making me really want to go back to sleep. I'm out

"Practicing" 

dreams are back!

I actually got some sleep. I am amazed, no alarm...buys you about 4 extra hours! And man, were my dreams psychotic. I think about everyone I know were in them, for starters. And they were soooooo random. I can try to piece them together, but it's going to be a weird ride.

In one of them I was hanging out with my mom, dad, and I assume my brothers and sister. We were at a college campus for something and there were students everywhere. At one point we were in a music hall practice room thing and people were playing instuments. We just took some seats around the performers and watched and gabbed like we owned the place. It was weird. And I took off and was walking all around the campus...segue to another weird dream. I'm hanging out with my crazy Grandma on my dad's side. She is a bitter, funny old lady and we are walking to this car right. She has her hands completely full and has trouble moving around anyway, so the load is holding her back. She won't let me help her. I'm a little taken aback, are you thinking I am going to STEAL whatever crap you are holding?!?!?!? Am I not good enough to help you??? I think I say this to her and she finally gives me a piece of paper or something to hold. WOOHOO. So, all the crap, my Grandma and I end up getting into the car somehow. And that's all I remember on that one. Ok...what else. They are fading as I explain them, cause there are a LOT more. In one scene I am hanging out with my ex. :( We are in a kitchen eating some weird wrapped chocolate. We're waiting for something to happen too and the weather is insane outside. Um...I feel like I'm leaving out a major one...not like it would affect anything. So, then I dreamed I was at a zoo, and this pink elephant was chasing me. It kept spitting peanuts at me and I was like, "LOOK, will you STOP spitting peanuts at me, you ass?" And he was like..."ok" and moved on to someone else. That one didn't happen. I made it up.
You know you are getting old when you realize you slept too late and have to get up and get stuff done so you don't waste the day.
:( I really don't like the feeling.

FYI, The Old Ebbitt hasn't called me...I am probably not wanted, but I fit in better with loosers anyway, so maybe the mag and Ella's are more appropriate. I'll update with the news, if it happens.

catch up

I feel like so much has happened that I need to blog about...yet at the same time I feel like nothing notable needs to be published. I have been SO tired lately. Every time I have an extra 5 minutes, I want to sleep. My eyes are fluttering shut at this very moment. If I take my hands off the keys for 3 seconds, I find it very difficult to key my next thought.

I have yet to quit Ella's. Even though I make little to no money when I work there. I was tempted to say "work" there, like it's a joke that I lift a finger, yet, I work my ass off for the Italian wannabe pizza joint.
Just this past Saturday, I: came in early...who'd have thought I could do such a thing! I made Sangria, which consisted of bringing buckets and buckets of stuff from the back to the bar and measuring out rail booze, juice, and boxed wine. OOOOOH what fun. I then cut sangria fruit. I proceeded to do inventory. Then I restocked and cleaned the bar...ie reorganized it. I then cleaned everything and began to add important information to the bar log. Like a conversation between an honest to goodness stripper, pics from the City Paper. This weekend it was a bunch of cicadas doing each other. I am nodding off my side of the bed. I will write more about my boss leaving Ella's, getting felt up by my "straight" boss, trying to get ghettofied, meeting up with a hick Cure follower at the 9:30 club, the rest is to follow when I wake up.

Tired.

whack dreams

ahhhh. so i woke up a bunch of times in a panic that i was late for something. and i woke up an hour before my alarm was going to go off and set it....phew! and then i turned it off when it actually went off and woke up late.
and now i'm blogging, so i will really be late. but i am rationalizing it because i stayed like 3 hours late at work yesterday. and called and got "permission" from my teacher to stay home from school today a little longer than usual. so i am still in bed. :)

so i had a lot of whack dreams last night. in one i was trying to shower and this dude i worked with was showering in another bathroom and the water kept changing, and the shower SUCKED. and the door to the bathroom kept opening a little bit and i kept reaching my arm out to close it, but it wouldn't latch or lock and kept opening. and the water kept turning off. i think i started the shower like 8 times. and there were buckets and travel kits and boxes all filled with shower stuff and i couldn't figure out what shampoo or soap i wanted to use. it was a stressful showering experience.

and then i was outside going through a huge box filled with little boxes that were supposed to get sent out somewhere. there were more on the side of the house. the mail man was leaving and i was freaking out, cause i didn't know if anything in the huge box outside was meant to go via mail or ups. turns out everything in the huge box said ups on it in HUGE letters. even the big box had ups on it. so...after i figured that out, it was ok. the stuff in the box was from some dead relative i had never meant (who had just died). she was an aunt from my step dad's side in the dream. all of a sudden neighbors and people walking down the street kept coming up talking to me.
and then i was in the passenger side of a car counting money. i had my money in little wads everywhere and was putting it in order and this weird guy, who was supposed to be my roommate was all of a sudden in the back seat of the car, and i whipped around really quick cause he freaked me out and the piles of money got all messed up. where did he come from?!?!? he was just walking down the street in a group of people. wtf? and as soon as he was there, he was off into the house and i was left with my money, but i swear it wasn't as much as before.

and in part of the dream, before i went outside to get the boxes of crap figured out, i was going through pictures of my dog. in one, the dog was all cuddled up with my gerbil. (which in real life is a helluva lot smaller than a dog) granted, the dog was a puppy in the pictures, but still. it was weird.

i had some more, but i think that's it for today, i am going to go shower and battle all the assholes on the beltway just so i can go to one of 4 locations (super small bank) to drop off the massive amount of money i've been making from on tap.