i do everything for minimum wage

so...i kinda feel like the joy of all trades lately. in the past week, i've bartended, been a sales bitch, been a sales rep, a member of the paparazzi, and a beer-giver-outer at a "posh" grocery store. with all of these jobs, you'd think i'd have a bunch of lovely blogworthy stories...but alas, i lead a boring life.

there are a lot of snobby bastards that shop at whole foods. this one old asshole had the gall to ask for beer, etc. so i poured a sample and was nice, even though i would get paid to be an ass right back. and after asking what he thought 2 different ways, he walked away and was like, hmmmph. FUCK YOU, buddy, i brewed it myself. i hope all the germs from my fingers got all over your tiny plastic solo cup and into your nasty, decrepid body. see guys? you don't need to hear my bitter stories of nothingness....not all that important.
one guy, the manager that helped me set up, was cool. he cracked open a porter for his friend to sample and put it in my bucket o' ice and we sampled it. it was damn good. so i spent 3 hours watching people walk around the store eating samples and eating food as they shopped, it was like a friggen buffet...and i drank beer in my little plastic solo cup watchin the masses horde around the salad bar. there are A LOT of employees at that store. the dude that helped me was cool. he got hit by a car the day before and wrecked his $4000.00 road bike. :( he had a fake front tooth. i can't believe a bitch took him out on his bike! i hope he doesn't get screwed by the system: he was going 30 miles an hour when he got hit! he worked with a snobby 40+ year old blond soccer mom whore that thought she was the cat's meow. she walked around asking people if they needed anything, and they gave her the look (leave ME ALONE) unless they didn't know anything about wine. people ask some stupid questions..."i was at this restaurant the other night....and really liked the wine...." um...and? did ya get the name on the BOTTLE? i had so many people ask me where stuff was. and i actually helped em out, when i only set foot in the store 3 times before. maybe i'm grocery store material.
so, the cyclist/manager/porter drinker gave me chex mix and kept the open beer stashed (so he could drink it, i suspect) and he kept talking about the annoying soccer mom perfectionist being a bitch. there was another lady giving away booze (but she got the wine!!! if only i was so lucky) and she said under her breath to the manager dude that she wished the soccer mom took a nasty fall in the parking lot with her face. :) and the wine lady was the same age...i can't wait to grow up and be just like her.

what else....i am supposed to be doing work for on tap. but i am sick of that place. i drove around for hours today and yesterday taking pictures of patios full of happy people drinking/eating...while i drove around with my heart in my throat thinking i'd get a ticket at some point in the day, or that my car would get jacked while i left it open, running, with my stuff in it, as i took pictures...:)
i got yelled at by an old mary in dc. i didn't notice him at all until i was done taking pictures of the bar and he actually got out of his seat, came running up to my car and told me i had to stop taking pictures of customers. um. ok. i have no loyalties to you. i thought he was going to take the stupid camera. he was like, "what's your name?" and i was all, "i'm not telling you!" and he was all, "i've got your tags!" and i was all, "so?" i hope he's not connected to the dc gay mafia. and i looked at the pictures later and he's in 2 of them waving his arm at me all pissed off...heh. i hope one of those gets in the next issue.

so...heard any good michael jackson jokes lately?

knock, knock.
who's there?
little boy blue.
little boy blue who?
michael jackson.

that's my favorite...but here's some more
q: what do michael jackson and santa have in common?
a: they both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

wait a minute...interuption. i am watching days of our lives...and it makes no sense. i think half of the people that are fucking...are related in some way. i need to get a book to see if there's a family tree somewhere. it's too complicated.

hahaha. the new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson. It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.

how can you tell if michael jackson has company?
there's a big wheel parked outside his house.

what's the difference between michael jackson and casper?
one is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

put the straws in RIGHT, beyotch!

things i learned this weekend at ella's

*i have been putting napkins in their holders wrong!!!! oh no, what have people been thinking of me whenever they reach over to grasp hold onto this little 4x4 inch, 4 ply piece of perfection? i was restocking beer for my $3 an hour job when the manager calls me over to the other side of the bar and tells me i put the napkins in wrong.

i am SO glad he didn't fire me.

*i put too many stir sticks in the caddies. we need more big straws. (and fyi, did you ever think about how many hands touch an unwrapped straw???)

the only cool thing about "being put in my place" by the manager is that he literally blew coffee through his nose and mouth when trying to do a wine tasting in front of us and the entire bar.

i was smiling from ear to ear on the inside. after drenching the whole bar in coffee he proceeds to look at me and one of the servers and ask what WE did to his coffee.

i think i am going to quit soon...i hate being told what to do...especially if i am not making any money and it comes down to paper products.

this is becoming a bad habit of mine. i either bring bad luck to all forms of employment i take on or i only land shitty jobs...i am so glad i went to college.

with that said i am going to head out to school and talk to a career counselor...oooh what fun.

so. i think i am drunk.
but i am not sure as i haven't drank what i am capable of and don't want to pussy out and say that i am falling back...

with that said...i think a girl may have hit on me tonight.
but to be honest i am so rusty, i could have imagined it.
however, the guys heard her and aparently she has a really good sense of smell...

i gave myself a manicure and pedicure tonight! i kick ass. i have the cleanest feet in the world!!!! i feel like an asshole though, cause i wanted to wear something other than jeans tonight and wore a skirt...but had to put a bandaid over my "i fall down a lot" knee. it seemed to work out well, except for the fact that the skirt brought out a lesbian and no men.... =)
but i came home in one piece and one of my favorite songs is on (Elton John - I guess that's why they call it the blues) it brings me back to a memory of my father. and to be honest...it's one of the only nice memories i have of my dad. we were driving in a car together...and he was picking raspberries because he makes homemade jelly and gives it away to friends and stuff...and we pull over to the side of the road and he gets some roadside raspberries off of a HUGE bush and this song is playing in the car. and that' s a memory about my dad. and no matter what i feel about the actual song, i have to listen to it all the way through when it's on,
so all is well sounds weird i know...but you all know where i am from.
i am off to dream of hot guys and clean knees.

after talking to my best friend, i have revised the order of my hate list:

Sine
Bob at Subway
Clydes
Carpool
Coyote Ugly


the list will be updated as people/places/things piss me off.

until then, here are the mind boggling things that happened to me today:

i got a dollar raise...

i made about $5 when it's all said and done with my taxes...and i am SOOOOO happy i don't owe money....phew!

i took my first shit at the office today. i normally run far far away where hopefully no one with notice me...i used 4 different sprays afterwards to mask my scent. i hope it worked.

i made some awesome margaritas tonight and got trashed on 2 of them...so did heine.
i used cuervo, fresh lime, lime juice, sour mix, and half of a real orange. mmmmm good.

you know the story that you should never go to the grocery store hungry because you'll end up buying lots of unhealthy stuff to eat? well...what about when you really want to drink? i came home with coke, sprite, oj, limes, lemon, lime juice, and sour mix.
i have half the mixers i need for a full bar...

PLACES I HATE *and people should NEVER go there again cause i said so*

Clydes
Bob at Subway (on Columbia Pike) - he's an idiot AND an asshole
Carpool
Coyote Ugly
Sine

the list will contine to be expanded at some point in the near future, don't worry!

my sister is gone. i'm saddened by the inevitable departure. i had one of the worst weekends bartending in my life and it makes me think i should chuck the whole gig. i have been checking employment ads in the wee hours of the am and all day today and have started applying randomly to various jobs...let's see if the CIA will take me.

BLOODY KNEES


does anyone else have problems co-existing with gravity? i find that i am in a constant battle against the forces that be. i am forcing my body to stand perpendicular to the ground at all times and i lost this evening. not only do i fight the urge to fall, but drinks just make me a sloppy looser. well tonight i was walking down the street, minding my own business and i missed the side walk and bit it. i happened to be walking with my sister (WOOHOO, i am so excited she is visiting!) and she busted out laughing. i didn't completely bite it. actually i didn't fall at all. my knee slipped. my knee is the only thing that hit the pavement...so...is that technically a fall? hmmm. so i proceeded to hobble to the restaurant where i went upstairs to the bathroom and tried to wipe off my bloody knee. i felt like a little kid. my sister is 6 years younger than me and asked old ladies for a bandaid (FOR ME). there is something wrong in this picture. the whole fucking knee is bloody, and looks horrid, and i get handed the smallest bandaid in the world. it was sweet she got it; i wonder what the old lady that gave it to her was thinking. it was the size of the bandaid that nelly always wears on the side of his face. so i didn't put it on.
i could feel the blood dripping down my leg as we walked around the restaurant. and then my jeans stuck to the blood hole during dinner. fun stuff. i just got done cleaning it by the way. my knees are permanently scarred from all the falls i randomly take.
and now you all know about my struggle with standing upright.

ha. another funny thing that happened. my sister has more money than i do. :)
we had an awesome dinner and everything tasted great and she proceeded to come home and puke. :)
fun stuff. i'm now going to take my bloody knees and go to bed.

don't really know what to post for the day...
i got my hair chopped off
i was so excited and don't miss it yet
saw one of the worse movies ever :dirty pretty things: don't waste your hard earned 3 bucks when at the video store. SAVE YOUR MONEY.
i'll tell you how it ends: someone looses a kidney.

in the morning, scratch that, in about 5 hours i will be going to my pit of dispair to give my boss an ultimatum about my stay at the magazine...cross anything crossable that she begs me to stay. =)

*oh and that she gives me lots of money*

does anyone else have weird runins in public bathrooms? i have had more weird experiences than i care to repeat...most friends have heard the "joy got creeped out in the bathroom today" stories i have, but here's a new one:
i was in the public bathroom in the mall the other day and the cleaning people were out in the hall...so i figured it was cool if i peed. i went inside the bathrooms and a lady was just finishing cleaning all the toilets...so i pick a stall and start doing my thing when all of a sudden one of the people from outside comes in and starts mopping. this mop comes at me from all different angles while i'm sitting on the toilet. it's a little bit unnerving. i couldn't perform in such a stressful situation. i freaked out. i thought the cleaning person would get the hint that i was trying to go when they saw my FEET, but no.....they continued to mop. i held my jaw open in disbelief and tried to be fast. as i reached for the tp i noticed that the tp holder is connected to the other stall and you could see through to the next stall because the divider was broken....there were 2 huge windows for the cleaning person to peep on me!!! this further increased my freaked attitude and i hurried up and hauled ass out of there.

my other not so pleasant bathroom moment was at one of my favorite bars.
i just finished up lunch with some co-workers and went to use the head. as i was finishing up i saw what appeared to be a duster that moved quickly from the bottom of my stall to the next stall. i freaked out, cause it was freakily quiet in the bathroom and what the hell was that??? who dusts in bathroom stalls?
i got out of my stall and saw the other door was closed and there were no feet. i yelled, "what the fuck are you doing?" and there was no answer. then all of a sudden i hear, "i'm fixing toilet..." then a bunch of slams, bangs, etc. the asshole was SPYING on me. eew. i am freaked out. so i am waiting for him to get out of the stall...he doesn't come out and isn't moving. i then decide it's probably not a good idea for me to be in the bathroom alone when he gets out, so i leave the bathroom and wait for him in the hallway and tell my friend what happened. she gets all embarrased for me, but doesn't look like she believes me when all of a sudden, this mangy old busboy dude comes out with a bright red face mumbling something about cleaning the toilet....WHAT? if anyone is cleaning/fixing a public restroom they leave the main door open, leave the stall door open, put up a sign, SOMETHING....when he was just spying on me, what a douchebag.

i have too many weird bathroom stories. i check the shower to see if anyone is in my bathroom when i am peeing. i now have an exceptional case of BOCD *bathroom obsessive compulisve disorder* which makes me take longer in bathrooms of all types because i have to make sure no one is spying on me.

i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am frustrated
i am fucking frustrated
i complain a lot
i feel compelled to drink when i am frustrated
this can be a problem when i complain and am frustrated a lot
complaining and being frustrated is going to lead me to alcoholism