Ah...yeah, so it's been awhile. While I smell my dinner burning, I thought I'd give the world a little glimpse into my reality. Cooking. While I like to think I am a superstar, I can pretty much just make drinks. And if you think they suck, the odds are you just don't like a strong drink. And I'll take care of that for you and finish it myself.
I decide that I will cook. Brilliant. Mediterranean Fritatta sticks out of a culinary magazine delivered to my workplace (a catering/restaurant company) and I decide I can do it too. Right. My #1 tip off that I shouldn't have even attempted it, is that it's in a culinary magazine. For the pros. Tip off # 2 is that my kitchen isn't really a kitchen. It's more of a galley. I have the world's smallest oven, pans, counter (it's maybe 1'x1' if I'm lucky. My mom's idea of more counter space was opening a drawer and putting a book or a cutting board on it and using that. I tried that once and dropped half of what was on it. Tip off # 3, I have no skill at cooking, which I refered to before and I'm a Beattie, the phrase "Beattied it" just works in stories like these.
I will keep the story short and say that I got home from work at maybe 8:45pm. I was excited about cooking something for once and was motivated since I did prep work last night, only because I didn't buy the whole recipe...cause it was raining and I was lazy and didn't want to cook. I also prepped because I figured it would motivate me to actually finish a task and not let the veggies rot in my fridge. After the debacle of assembling all ingredients (I had to cook chicken...and while cuisinarting the eggs, milk, and chicken broth, I didn't notice the "liquid can only go so far" line and I filled it a good 2x past the line and said liquid filled my 1' x 1' counter and set be back a little bit of time...but it's ok, because I started drinking vino as soon as I walked in the door...which I knocked over when washing dishes 30 minutes after the liquid incident.)
I get the fritatta in my tiny ass oven and start washing dishes and realize I forgot to add the fake bacon bits I made a special trip for tonight because Trader Joes is too health conscious to carry bacon bits when I bought the rest of my recipe list last night...fuck. So I open up the oven and try to arrange the fake bacon amongst the egg...and cheese...and spinach (there was some good stuff in it) and well, it was already sorta over flowing. I molded it so most of the goods went to the middle of the dish. Ok. Set.
I proceed in the washing. Which is when I knocked over the wine. While cleaning I noticed a brilliant smell. Like scrambled eggs. I guess could have saved the 2 hours I spent making the fritatta and made scrambled eggs...something I am *good* at, unless you count the fact that it should have been an omelet originally. So...I open the oven and my creation is pouring down the sides of the dish onto the floor (?) of the oven. Hmmm. Can't be good. I knew I had small pans. Looks likeI shouldn't have made the whole recipe. It may be meant to feed a whole restaurant, not one person. Who has a galley for a kitchen. The smart part of me realizes that's going to burn in less than 5 minutes, so I scrape it up and concoct a McGyver solution to trap the rest of the leaking mess. (Foil on a pizza sheet. I don't know if it's working cause I'm on the computer.) It still smells good and it's 10:24 pm. If the recipe works itself out, it's supposed to be ready around 11. And it's going to end up costing me about $60, including the bottles of wine, which may be all I end up consuming. I don't even want to eat it anymore. And my dumbass only bought the ingredients for the recipe. Which is half on the floor of my oven...and won't be ready until at least 11. Which is why I don't cook. (Rant aside, I'm pretty damn happy. The wine hits the spot!)
